Depression is a motherfucker.  

There are days when it feels like it comes out of nowhere and just sucks me under the waves.  One minute you’re sitting in a chair getting your toes painted blue and the next, you have tears streaming down your face.  Then you spend the next two days in bed, barely talking, and crying at everything.  AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHY.

Let’s not forget about the other stuff that shows up with depression – the self-doubt, the anxiety, the panic, the comparisons, the fear, the imposter syndrome, the never-going-to-be-good-enough bullshit. 

I booked myself an acupuncture appointment and literally wrote “my brain is broken” in the space reserved for what I want to work on.  

I know my brain is not broken but it is such an easy default.  I know that my depression comes from my life experiences and poor coping mechanisms ingrained in me from childhood.  It’s also really easy to blame all this on my mother and call it a day but we are not going to do that anymore. 

Again, it is time to change the narrative.  Have you read Untamed by Glennon Doyle?  In it, she says, “we can do hard things.”  I keep returning to that mantra since I read the book (twice). 

Last night (Friday), I took a yoga class with Britt leading us through the flow.  It started with the idea of Freedom Friday and yesterday we got to fill in the blank.  Freedom from _________ was ours to define.  Right there, I committed to this class.  I committed to freedom from fear, from the self-doubt, from the imposter syndrome, and from the never-going-to-be-good-enough bullshit.  

She kept returning to a statement throughout class, “You can’t save time, but you can choose how you spend it.”  I watched my leg shake while I did dancer later in class and what she was saying hit me really hard.  I was recognizing my edge in these poses, pushing past them, going deeper, and committing.  I was choosing to spend my time sweating and pushing my body harder towards healing.  I am choosing to let go of the negative self-talk.  I am accepting that my body is still recovering and that my body is not anyone else’s, and I can’t do all the things. 

She also talked about how the 21-in-31-day challenge also shows us we have the time to show up for our practice when we want to.  I will cram my day full of patients (because that brings me joy), I will overschedule doctor’s appointments, I will put anything and everything before myself.  I felt a lightbulb switch on many times during this class, but this statement applies to so much more than 21 yoga classes. 

How do you show up for yourself?  How can you show up for yourself?  

What would you do for yourself if you stopped scrolling through social media or stopped playing hours of Farm Heroes Saga or stopped making excuses? Yes, I’m talking about myself.  

My October challenge was derailed for a few days by my crippling depression.  Even my journal entries say, “sinking into the black hole.”  I met with a new therapist this week and feel hopeful about that journey.  My class with Britt has lit a new fire under my ass. 

Let’s fucking do this! 

Also, VOTE.  Fill out your ballot and drop it off in a ballot box.  Let’s also change the world on November 3rd.